(Written the night I received H&G before my physical copy arrived from Poolbeg a week or so later. I have not edited it. Tired of censoring and editing myself and hopefully you'll get it... )

Damn it Macken!

Not a proper way to start but words on page, will edit later, want to write this and blog it, if I stop now I won't do this.

This book - same but in a different way as KOS- just makes the reader feel. It's beyond easy to visualize descriptions, more than relatable (how the hell is that word spelled - no spell check accepts it. Tough, I do) characters.

It's like a vortex door. Open the book and whoosh you are there, a silent, invisible voyeur to the characters and their story and you've been dosed with empathy inducing double shots served freely at an open literary bar. Clearly this book is making me drink.

It has been five days since Precious passed and I feel and yet have had to cope and function and be mom and run a business and not leave the house in old pajamas and eat ice cream while wandering around Ralph's. I've kept it together until I read this book and now I feel damn it. (note to self - do not ever explain to Eoin why if coffee ever occurs, I have showed up in jammies, with ice cream, a flask, and unbrushed hair. Wow I really am lame at rebelling even against my self. Great. The joys of being a Capricorn.)

So questions are 1) does Eoin see a pattern in his character's behavior? 2) is this consciously or not consciously reflective of him? Neither is my business but wondering aloud because I cannot find the words - well I can, but they are too harsh to me about me - to write about this book.

I see Grape and I understand her. She feels and she is seen as wounded. She is intuitive and empathic and is seen as a weirdo (on not such great days she is a freak). What others strive to be as they dress all boho gypsy, she is in essence inside. She sees and feels what others could if they looked but they don't - so maybe she isn't gifted, maybe she is just strong and determined about inner truth and what is real. Or maybe she looks and sees because she is self destructive and cannot allow for the idea of fun in the face of reality. Oh wait that's me not her - reading about her and being dismissed is just... well damn it again. She is so socially awkward because that just isn't her realm though she loves people (even when despising their chosen actions and words) so she asks and it sounds shallow and stupid or else too prying. Her floaty esoteric aspects make her seem flighty or as if she is trying too hard to be whimsical because most cannot grasp that someone who cannot - refuses to escape any aspect of self is a bit of many things. 

I love this book just hate what it has made me realize and feel. I have to read it again to experience it on a less raw level maybe before I write this for real.

What I do know, reading this, seeing what I see, knowing what I know... is that I do not care how people make me feel, who says what, others' agendas and calibration, ... I will never give up on what I have to write (hell not this blog but that fucking book and the others and the projects that can/better be helpful) and I have to do my best to get those who I know are multifaceted enough - not just skills but that faceted soul - yeah that one! - to help me, to with me make these things what they should be.

And no matter what it feels like over time, against odds,.... I don't believe in the constructs and blockages we create... I believe.. I insist that one day where the water meets the shore, there will be ideas exchanged, plans set in place, and changes made, gifts given, and that damn coffee.

Back to Grape - I wonder (must reread to see) if anyone asks her why what is important to her is so important and if she sputters as she tries to explain it is not for the typical, expected, shallow, passing reasons that some things are so vital, that she cannot explain but she knows and she wishes others could take a leap or even a step forward to see if they see the same. Ok so that's me again not Grape... and clearly I need more to drink, and to set this aside till I am more as I usually am and in my head more than heart or soul. I just cannot stop feeling - all of it - including missing Precious, including hopes, and including this headache.

Damn it Macken!

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