Like I mentioned, I did not know (of) you back in the Cold crowdfunding days. Wish I had. Point being you don’t owe me anything. So – breathe. No stress here ok? Just … read for a minute or two.
I am so sorry you have been going through so much to release Cold (that was YOUR name for it and well there ya go!). Even when such a process goes as promised there can be delays and glitches, when it gets more complicated, I know it can be hell.
Most people (dare I say women especially) like to appease, comfort etc with platitudes, with warm fuzzy reassurances, that all is well, that they forgive, understand etc. I suppose that works for some. It never works on me (I'm intense about reality), and is NEVER where I am coming from when I say anything. I say what I see and feel, facts, even when facts about emotion. Please bear that in mind as you read this:
You are a good man Eoin Macken… I don’t just mean a nice guy or a good guy or someone who is not malicious or self-serving. I mean sincerely (remember? I don’t say this to flatter or make you feel better)… you are a good man – at your core, in all you do and how you seek to do it. I don’t think anyone looks to preserve right intention and integrity of work, of emotion, of respect of others, as much as you do. Hey! Stop doing the uncomfortable with praise, dismissing sounds in your head and eye roll. Me singing your praises is another whole lengthy scroll….this is practical.
I know you are very used to, even if not always at ease with, being looked at and watched – on screen, and your every word and image in public view. I’m not so sure you are used to being SEEN. Even those who love you – family, friends, others who are ‘in your corner’ or should be – well ALL of us when we care and know someone for SO long and SO well, start to, mostly unconsciously at first anyway, integrate what WE feel is right for them into our support. Perhaps no one wants more goodness for you than they do, but what they feel is good for you… is now intermingled with how/what they see that to be. Me? I don’t know you…not a decades long friendship, nor lifelong family member, nor even someone you chat with about your dreams and concerns in life. But do I see? Fuck yeah. I do not mean a tiredness, or weariness on your face. I do not mean a difference in your public interaction. And I do not even mean just what I saw in this morning’s (LA morning anyway) video. That just confirmed it…not that I needed confirmation. I am sure about little in this life, but this? This I knew. This I felt. For a long time now. Not the details per se, though having seen online content I knew Cold must be a trying process. It was/is more….its effect on you.
I am going to repeat – Eoin Macken you are a good man…and right now M’Dear you are feeling and experiencing the intense downside of that. The concern over letting people down (even if they had not gotten pissy about it all), it hurts your heart….the self doubt on decisions…and then more decisions made on other things in life when already worn down, feeling like a hamster on a wheel going round and round and nowhere … and… last but far from all or least…how you are feeling, how you are letting it affect your passion for your work. There was a photo one of you posted when you were filming The Green Rabbit….and your face was not just happy or content, there was a fulfillment of purpose and heart that radiated… and you weren’t even making eye contact with the camera!
You MUST NOT let a messy, tumultuous, and disappointing experience, EVEN if similar to past ones, dilute, detour, distract or detract from how much you love creating, AND sharing it with people, and then creating more…and more.
SHH! That ‘yeah I know’ logical awareness bit in your head? Well you aren’t allowing that INSIDE to let yourself off the hook… NOT out of responsibility but out of tormented-time-out. You are owning – not just now but the whole time – your choices and always do your best to make it right.. to come through, and when necessary make it up.
How the hell do I know that? Like I said – I see.
The ‘who the fuck is this woman, a stranger basically, to say all this, presume all this’? ‘why am I reading her rambling armchair psycho-babble’? You’re right… I have no right… doesn’t mean I am wrong. Not looking to be right by the way… I always say in my own life that I am not looking to be right, just happy. Well here, Dear Man, I am not looking to be right, just for you to be happy… to let yourself be. Not to do what others tell you will make you happy, or even what looks right ‘on paper’, not to conform… but to get back to being YOU … fully you… and not worry about fully being yourself again, just because some other people didn’t come through with integrity on choices you made.
The danger in that space in our heads and hearts of ‘I must fix it, I am a fuck up, call me if you want to know how NOT to do xyz’ is that we think others know better (even I don’t – ha! So there!), that we are wrong to be ourselves, follow our own gut just because things got messy and crappy.
You don’t owe me a damn thing. I have NO agenda here. There is nothing I want from you… for you but not from you. Sure I want to get these gift bags that are in my closet into your hands finally but… that’s not an agenda. Why do I care? I believe that some people come into our line of vision – sometimes even only peripheral – for a reason. No labels or rules – no should or should nots… no 'it makes sense' or not (that pains me to say because I am all about logic and reason…but also instinct and gut). Sure you can dismiss me as a crazy woman who doesn’t know you and who can be grouped with a million others who think you are awesome for reasons savory and not…or you can listen… no defensiveness, no discomfort making you retreat, no dismissing based on the standardized notion of ‘wtf does she know’…. Since when have you stuck to coloring only inside the lines, Eoin? That’s not you. You see and respect the lines and see so many ways they can be enhanced and enriched by reaching from beyond them and doing what your amazing mind sees as possible.
I have no agenda… no lascivious designs… no assumptions…I’m no one in your world, which may actually be good – no bias, no preconceived notions… just my instincts, what I have felt and seen even when you are wonderfully becoming someone else (yes even beneath layers of ‘I am fine’ and layers of ‘here I am being TC or whomever’ – YOU are seen)... stop hurting yourself with what has been, what could have been, and be YOU and make this in the now… not ‘make the best of shitty circumstance’ but make it NOW…. yes legal details and rights of a distribution company are hindrances… and maybe Cold has to come into public view this way. That cannot cast such a shadow over you. It can’t. You can’t let it.
SO yes… go by the sea… whose cadence resonates with who you are, how you feel and think, find some peace, some balance in the uncertainty of waves and ripples….shut out the helpful voices (ok fine… even mine if you must)… the loving support… the applauding fandom… the expectations… and hear the best expert on you… YOU. You, yourself.
AND… remember…. That being a man of your word, of your caliber character and ethics, does not always mean following through as per the original agreements and promises in life. Sometimes the ethical thing, is to change it… to make new understandings, new arrangements… more or less of the same.. or some a lot different. You – are very much like that beloved sea… you do not get stuck in a space… you flow…allow yourself that again. Please?
Not assuming you are or are not coming to LA for either Rainy’s film at Burbank Festival, nor maybe even not for yours at the Irish Film Festival…nor that if you were here in LA you’d crave caffeine… and no that is not an agenda or any such… it IS an offer…time not alone drowning in your own head, and not with the clamor of expectation and specific advice from those who actually do know you. Ah the sanctuary of anonymity… or some level of unknown-ness anyway. And NO I do not ramble verbally... really just in writing. Besides one of MY gifts is picking cool gifts for others and you have 2… actually 3 I think bags in my closet… seriously hampering my ‘snarky tee shirt’ collection storage space.
I’m here… with … gifts… no agenda… just space to be you.. and coffee.